Kisses and Hugs

 “I hear hurricanes a-blowin,’

I know the end is comin’ soon,                                                    

I fear rivers overflowin’,

I hear the voice of rage and ruin.”                                                                                                               

Bad Moon Risin’/Creedence Clearwater Revival

I remember it wasn’t always this way, my tortured relationship with Rita…when I was a child, my mother would kiss me goodbye at the bus stop every morning as the bus arrived for kindergarten. The kiss was planted firmly on my cheek before getting on the bus. The full, feathered plum imprint smeared on my face by her rushed attempts to clean it off before I reached its doors was a ritual. The smell of Cover Girl makeup in my nostrils and the excitement of going to school in the cool mornings of September were forever tethered together, along with her hand puppet waves and blown kisses at the window. With a metal, red, and black plaid lunch box in my lap, I waved bashfully from my seat. She was beautiful. A petite, Audrey Hepburnesque young woman with long chestnut hair pouring down her back like melted frosting, large brown eyes shining as if they were painted by Margaret Keane herself, and her lips, her lips were much larger than the other moms. They had thin pursing lines of color, but my mom had a classic Hollywood pout just like Marilyn Monroe. She stood off to one side on the sidewalk, not by choice. It was the thin-lipped women who drifted away from her, she was standing still in a spotlight she could not see. I watched the awkward social dance from the window of the yellow bus every morning.

Those lips had magical powers to cure any ailment; they kissed away nightmares, boo-boos, and high fevers. In photos, they drew the eye directly to them. Cupid’s bow was shaped perfectly on top of the full upper lip, the lower lip was as full as the upper, and the vermillion borders crisply separated the boundary of face to lips. Everyone knew Rita by her full lips and her smile. However, she never opened her mouth to smile for photos. She had a significant space between her two front teeth. She was very self-conscious about this.

The words that came from her lips were magical, too. Mostly because her naivete was on full display. She was gullible enough to fall into the trap of believing everything at first hearing. “Really?” she would widen her eyes, mouth agape. Men found her sweet, lovely, and desirable. She innocently charmed them with such grace. At the local I.G.A., she would walk right into a group of them and ask where the manager was, and they would all say they were him. Quite fascinating watching all these grown men jockeying for her attention. She had five children under ten, and she looked like a teenager. These men would adjust their neckties, looking silly, staring at her mouth while she spoke.

She would sing me to sleep at night at my request. She would scooch next to me, pull me close, and then ask what I wanted to hear. She sang silly songs, old songs she grew up singing, and popular songs of the day, like the Beatles. She sang mostly old torch songs. “Someone to Watch Over Me” was a favorite of mine. Her perfect alto resonated against my head as I curled up against her,

“I’d like to write his initials to my monogram,

Tell me where is the shepherd for thiiiis looooost laaaamb…”

Her vibrato stretched and connected to the next word so effortlessly. A natural, she could sing very low in her chest voice and switch to her head voice, then slip into her falsetto without showing any strain in her facial muscles or neck. It was lush and moving, just like her lips. She would smile and sing and snuggle me to sleep, and I would wake in the morning to a perfect lipstick kiss on my forehead. The wonder of it all, the magic of her kiss. I often wonder if she knew how much I loved her, how I idolized her.

The entire family was connected to music, all my brothers were musicians. It was an escape from the reality they lived in. I started to memorize all the music they would play. I did not have much choice. Danny played the bass and listened to the likes of Alice Cooper, Frank Zappa, and Yes. Patrick listened to Zeppelin, the Stones, CCR, and Bowie. But Chris became obsessed with Rush since he played drums. Rush blew them away. With Neil Peart’s drum skills and lyricism, Alex Lifeson’s wicked guitar, and Geddy Lee’s bass playing and vocals. A progressive rock band that consisted of three musicians, but when you heard them, they sounded like at least five or six people.

I would sing every song as they practiced. I would harmonize against it. I would feel the bassline of every song. I became attuned to the lyrics, to the story of the songs that I was hearing. There were many weekends when our house was the house everyone congregated in. I attributed this to the fact that my brothers were starting to play together, and they were sounding better and better. It was 1979, and I was listening to The Pretenders, The Cars, Blondie, The Police, and Cheap Trick. I loved the makeup, the clothes, and the vibe. It was new enough for me to claim it as my own. I was steeped in seventies music, but I loved this new sound. The punk influences and the catchy hooks.

All the older girls would sit on the basement steps to listen, holding their drinks, smoking their cigarettes, and checking out the band. I rolled my eyes at them. All they did was giggle like hyenas, talk loudly, drone on about who they thought was cute, and spray their hair with Aquanet. They all had a favorite, some of them were wearing the gypsy blouses, others in concert t-shirts with the neckline cut to show cleavage, tight jeans, and perfectly feathered hair like Farrah Fawcett. I was fifteen. My job was to make sure no one was screwing in the bedrooms upstairs and my baby brother and sister were not being bothered. I also held the hair of a few girls and even the guys when they were puking in the bathroom.

Long hair was the thing, I think it was because of the music. Like Robert Plant, the lead singer of Zepplin, he had hair “like a God,” as I heard some of the girls say. I didn’t get it; I thought he was gross. As soon as one of the girls dashed to the bathroom, I would guide them to the toilet and hold their stupid hair.I was the cleaner. I was the adult in the room, though they never let me down in the basement, and they never let me sing. We were separated by our age and gender. I was a girl who could not be around their friends, I was too young. I was annoying. I was their sister.

Someday, I told myself, someday I’m gonna grab that microphone and sing. The dudes who sang and practiced with them never remembered the lyrics. They were terrible. They were always too wasted and off-key. One guy was so nasal, and he was a short, long-haired, creepy guy who thought he was every girl’s dream. Another guy was tall, skinny, and refused to play anything but crappy cover songs. I could only take so much of “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison. God, I hated that song.

Often, Rita would come home early from bartending, sit at the bottom of the stairs, and listen to them play. She loved live music; she did not mind the teenagers drinking. She sat on the bottom step of the basement with a tumbler glass of Southern Comfort, or the Peach Peril as my brother Pat called it, along with the girls on the stairs, chatting about nothing interesting and bumming cigarettes off each other. Rita still had her uniform on. A white blouse, black pants, a black vest, with a stupid floppy bow tie that she misplaced every morning. I would scour the house for it before she left for work every single afternoon. She kicked her shoes off, her feet covered by nylon stockings. She wiggled her toes and tapped her foot along to the music. She clapped and shouted with enthusiasm for my brothers. They would smile and ask what she wanted to hear.

“Oh! Hey! Play ‘There’s a Bathroom,’ that song with the bathroom on the right,” she shouts.

“Ma, that is not how the song goes. It goes, “There’s a bad moon on the rise…” Danny says into the microphone. His voice reverberated against the concrete, unfinished walls.

Everyone pans around and looks at each other. Chris plays a rim shot and taps the symbol lightly for effect, then freezes, looking wide-eyed. They all howl with laughter and then take a drink, erupt again, take another drink, and then begin the song for Rita. They love Rita. She always mistook the lyrics, and we enjoyed her take on certain songs. That one was going in the books.